09 August 2009

Somebody lie to me...quick!

Do bathing suits shrink? I mean, really. Do they? Can they? Do they shrink just from wearing them around in the water, or only when you wash them?


In a couple of weeks, B and I are heading out of state for our one and only nephew's first birthday party. There'll be a little drivin', a little visitin', a little sunshine, a little cake-eatin', a little present openin', and A LOT OF BATHING SUIT WEARIN'.

There's a whole day at the lake...I really like the lake! Really. I do.

There's a birthday pool party...I really like the pool! Really. I do.

What I really don't like is the bathing suit. That fabric...that fabric stretching over every bump and lump...that shimmy and tug required to get it over your thighs. (Please tell me I'm not the only one that has to shimmy and negotiate herself into the suit...on second thought, don't tell me anything. I don't wanna know.)

What I DO want to know, however, is who decided that fluorescent lighting was the best for the dressing room? Who said, "Hey...people are gonna be in here trying on bathing suits...what we need is some really bright, glaring, unforgiving light...." I really wish this person had done a test run shimmy before making this lighting choice mandatory.

Oh, what I wouldn't have given for a set of blinders on my excursion to the stores yesterday! I already own a cover up, but I still made sure to drag one in the dressing room with me every time, so I could quickly cover up the damage. If that gives you any idea of the seriousness of the situation.

When I found out about the day at the lake and the pool party, I thought, "Well, I'll just wear the bathing suit I took on our honeymoon three plus years ago, throw something over it, and roll on...." But then the fates stepped in and screamed: "YOU WISH!"

What a disillusioned figure I was of my former self, as I stood there looking down at the confusion that was supposed to be me in a tankini.

Hence the trip to the fluorescent lights.

After about three hours, lots of walking, too much sweating, and a little Aversion of the Mirrors, I finally found a suit that will work. And let me share what I learned during this Mission to the Fluorescent Side:

1. Bathing suits with knee-length skirts were highly underrated.

2. Stores do not stock bathing suits in August. They stock sweaters. And corduroy pants.

3. Swimming in a full wetsuit no longer seems so bad.

4. Stores only order enough one piece suits for the three pregnant women that want them.

5. My January birthday parties indoors were a huge blessing throughout my youth.

6. Stores will put out a clearance rack of bathing suits...but only in sizes to fit my Swiffer Wet Mop.

All this to say that a) it's time to start running and b) I'll be in charge of picking up trash and taking pictures during the pool party, while my bathing suit floats on a lake somewhere in Arkansas.


  1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's the funniest thing I've read in a very long time! Thanks for making me laugh!

  2. Girl, I am right there with you. Chad and I have decided to take the kids on a Texas Vacation. I will inevitably be walking around in a bathing suit sometime during this adventure. While swimming at the inlaws a few weeks ago, I was asked if I had ever heard of sunlight. Thanks. Where did you find a swim suit? Since last wearing my post baby bathing suit I have the two things that made me purchase that bathing suit in the first place. I now need a flat chested, full coverage suit!