27 April 2011

Circa 2008: Oakwood Street

Here we see L and Sugar having a deep and meaningful conversation. The location: the Oakwood house.

I find myself longing for those days a little bit. The days when I would zoom home from work, get there in 25 minutes, and then race myself to put on pajama clothes, put my hair in a ponytail, get a snack, and sit down on the couch, remote in hand. Which slowly turned into leaning on the couch, remote in hand. Which slowly turned into laying on the couch, remote in hand....

I didn't fully appreciate the ability to completely zone out and relax. The ability to eat ice cream with abandon, to nap with my cats, to take long baths, to go find B - wherever he was - and hang out, to stay up late if I felt like it, because, hey...the weekend would be here soon, and I could sleep in!

Everything is a little different now, and I feel guilty for reminiscing so fondly over those days. I may have lost that little bit of freedom, but I've gained so much more.

I try to ease the guilt by reminding myself that I'm just exhausted; that I'm so very sleepy. That if I could just refuel for a little bit, I'd feel so much better....

There are plenty of people who would be happy to step in and take over long enough for Mama to take a big, fat nap, but here's the thing: I can't bear to leave the baby for that long. I don't want to.

This reminds me of an episode I saw when I was *young* of The Cosby Show. Sandra had newborn twins, and her mother and her mother-in-law came over to their apartment to take the babies, so that she could rest...she was sick and exhausted and everything else. They were trying to help, and her husband thought it was a great idea. When Sandra realized they were gone, she went ape. She hunted the babies and the "kidnappers" down at her parents' house and went nuts. She looked absolutely crazed in her sloppy clothes, hair standing on end, and a breathing mask on her face. I thought that was such a ridiculous episode.

Now? Not so much.

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