22 May 2013

Confidence in Motherhood: Fleeting, at Best

I’m linking up again today with Erin from Blue-Eyed Bride, and the topic is Confidence in Motherhood. And here’s what I have to say about that: it’s totally hit or miss, and in my case, mostly miss! Even when everything is going right, you know I’m still worrying and fretting. If not about what’s right in front of me, then about what’s coming around the bend.

Have you ever seen "Say Anything?" It’s one of my favorite movies of all time, and Lloyd Dobbler says, while talking on the phone and pacing the bathroom: "You start out depressed, everything turns out a pleasant surprise."

Not that I’m depressed or nearly that serious, but maybe I think if you worry about the worst, then it won’t happen, and boy, won’t that turn out a nice surprise!

And speaking of great "Say Anything" quotes: "A pen. I gave her my heart....she gave me a pen."

I have a friend who called me an uptight parent once, and I know I’ll never forget it. She was stating the obvious, I’m sure, because I over think everything. Uptight has kind of a negative connotation, but it’s probably highly accurate.

Here’s the thing: I fully feel the weight of my responsibility to my girl EVERY SINGLE MOMENT. When I’m home and with her, I’m not acting worried or talking negatively or stressing. I’m just sticking to our routine and playing and having fun and creating memories with her. But I spend a lot of time when I’m not around her planning, thinking, praying, wondering, reading, researching, and did I mention PRAYING? I write the prayers. I say them in my head. I say them out loud. They are tattooed in a force field around her.

I’m telling you, never have I talked to God more than since having a baby. He is in my head. I talk to Him constantly. When I wake up, my first words are to Him. When I’m up in the night, He’s the one I’m talking to. When I’m finally lying down, He’s the one hearing the last thoughts and pleadings of the day.

I’m not crazy. I know there’s no way I can do this on my own. It is totally out of my hands.

And sure, oftentimes, the prayer ends like this: “And please obliterate all the scorpions. Amen.”

My girl? She’s so good. She’s sweet and calm and gentle and smart. And I have no idea if that’s just because of who she is, if that’s because of what we’ve done since Second #1, or if that’s because of a blend of the two, but I’m not taking any chances. I feel like I can’t drop the ball now.

Then again, who do I think I am? It has nothing to do with me or her daddy. It’s all Him.

This is not me with my baby. This is me with my goddaughter. Her mom appears very laid back to me when it comes to parenting. She is the antithesis of an uptight mama. We are at opposite ends of the spectrum. At least, it seems to be so from the outside looking in, and I kind of envy that.

But in a healthy way.

Because I know that I can and will never be that way. So I celebrate for her and just go ahead and brace myself for what’s to come on my end. It will be fine. Every family is different. Every situation is different. Every baby is different.

So even if I’m not confident in every choice I make and every plan I write out, there are other things that I’m very confident in that go along with this ride:

- Sometimes, Daddy knows best.

- Whichever way a family lovingly does it is the best way.

- I will continue to chat up God at every turn. Both for my sanity and B’s.

- There will be good times.

- There will be bad times.

- Memories will be made.

- It will all far-surpass our expectations.

- I will keep Blue Bell in business.

- And I will eat too many cheese puffs.

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